Stargate Trek
by mtranc3
Summary: What would happen if James Kirk's enormous ego ever met John Sheppard's gigantic one? A Stargate Atlantis, Star Trek TOS crossover.


**Title:** Stargate Trek  
**Author:** mtranc3  
**Fandom:** A crossover between Star Trek TOS and Stargate Atlantis.  
**Rating:** PG  
**Pairings:** Implied Sheppard/Mckay and Kirk/Spock  
**Spoilers:** Seasons 1 and 2 for SGA, and seasons 1 and 2 (only up to episode 5) for Star Trek.  
**Summary:** What would happen if James Kirk's enormous ego ever met John Sheppard's gigantic one?  
**Category:** Parody  
**Warnings:** Unbeta'd, Silliness.  
**Author's Notes: **I've done it! I went ahead and fed the Kirk/Sheppard plot-bunny that wouldn't die.  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own these characters, no copyright infringement is intended, and no profit is being made.

Stargate Trek

Jim Kirk had really pushed his luck too far this time. He had taken the Galileo 7 and a crew of five officers for an archaeological field trip with an overnight stay at an Earth outpost. The trip had begun well, and everything was going according to plan. But five layovers in five different planets later, he was the only left, and on top of that, a weird energy field around an asteroid had made his ship crash, a little while before he had reached the outpost. The engine was beyond repair, and the field was blocking the radio transmission.

When he had trailed around the surface of the planet, doing his Robinson Crusoe bit, and convinced himself it was well and truly empty, he sat down on the ground and started daydreaming about all the possible pairings available on the Enterprise.

He was contemplating the communication problems and possible solutions, (body language!) between Scotyt/Chekov, when a man fell out of the sky with a yelp.

He had crashed on the ground pretty badly, and lay down for a while groaning pitifully. Jim stood up, dusting off his uniform and put on his best suspicious!glare.

"Ow! Ow, ow, ow! What happened...?"

"You seem to have fallen out of the sky."

At the sound of his voice the man stood up and met Kirk with a suspicious!glare of his own.

"Who are you?"

"I am Captain James T. Kirk of the USS Enterprise of the United Federation Of Planets" Jim said pompously. "Who are _you_?"

"I'm Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard, military commander of Atlantis in the Pegasus galaxy," the man replied equally pompously.

"The Pegasus galaxy? Is that your place of origin?"

"No, a planet called Earth is..." he drew an alpha with a halo on top in the air.

"That's funny," Jim said "that's exactly where I come from as well..."

John stopped his hand mid-air and they stared at each other with wide eyes. Jim moved to take a closer look and John mirrored his movement. Soon they where caught in a strange dance, circling each other slowly and measuring each other up and down.

"How did you come here?" Jim finally asked when he was certain the man was definitely humanoid.

"We travel by means of Stargates through space. I was exploring a planet we thought uninhabited, when I came across a second gate that was -and I'm not making this up- _talking_ -"

Jim squinted his eyes, "Do your gates look like sort of... _portals_?"

John nodded.

"And did this gate tell you, you were in The City On The Edge Of Forever?"

"How did you know?!"

Jim laughed heartily. _Juvenile._

"_That_ is not a gate, or whatever you call them. It's a portal through time. It took me to the past once."

"Huh..." John scratched his head. "No wonder why I didn't see a DHD... So how did you go back? And how did you end up here?"

"I corrected the time continuum by letting my girlfriend jump in front of a car and got transferred back immediately. And my ship crashed a while before you appeared..." he gestured to the Galileo.

John followed his hand and stared at the ship frowning.

"What kind of a model is that?"

"It's a standard type shuttlecraft."

"Hold on a second..." John said,

"You say you're from Earth, what is the year then?"

"Today is stardate 3019.6, which would be around 2266 according to the old system."

John gave him a disbelieving look "Well I'm from 2005, so that settles the question about time traveling..."

Jim's history knowledge was quite adequate, so he was certain that if there had been a space expedition back in the beginning the 21st century, we would have known it. The man, John, was also looking puzzled; he was examining the Galileo with the air of a person who knew what he was doing.

"If you're from the future..." he said slowly "then how come your technology is so backwards?"

"Backwards? The Federation prides itself for having only the best of scientists in its service. However, we _have_ encountered some alien beings with technologies more sophisticated than ours, but -"

"Forget about aliens..." John seemed to be trying hard not to laugh. "You call this a _ship_? It has nothing on the 'jumpers!"

Jim was starting to get mildly annoyed, the man's obnoxiousness was unbelievable.

"Jumpers, you said?"

"'Puddlejumpers' is what we call our gate ships. They can generate their own shield, and their speed is like nothing you've ever seen..."

"Never heard of them before, but for your information, the _Galileo 7_-" John was chuckling openly now "is one of the best shuttlecrafts in the fleet!"

"And then how come it crashed?" John asked patting the outside for emphasis. He noted that Kirk was getting a bit red in the face. Nothing better than enemy psych-out. Not that he thought of Kirk as an enemy, but he had to do something to pass the time.

"It didn't _crash_! It was something to do with the energy field around this planet... And how come you went through the portal back on that planet? Were you careless enough to walk through after its warnings?"

_There_, Jim thought, _I've got him._

"I fell through, alright?" John said in indignation.

"You _fell_? How did you manage to do that?"

"I tripped over my giant ego..." John smirked and folded his arms looking pleased.

"Tie..." Jim mumbled to himself.

oooo

"I walk around attractive women in flawless make-up and extravagant hairdos, wearing skirts that look like _belts_, all day long..."

"Well, _I _have a woman in my off-world team that walks around semi-naked, in small leather outfits, all day long..."

After coming to the conclusion that there was nothing to be done about their situation, Jim and John sat down, and their earlier antagonism about their ships escalated, as each one tried to prove he was the better man, parallel reality or not.

"I've got a big and tall bouncer who has this cool gun and he can hit you dead on the forehead in the blink of an eye. He's also great with the sword, hand-to-hand combat, runs like the devil _and_ has dreadlocks!"

"Point." Jim said, but then smirked, "I've got a Russian crewman with a funny accent."

"Czech" said John, dismissing him with a wave.

"I also have a Scottish engineer..."

"Doctor." Jim yawned.

"Japanese navigator?"

"Scientist."

Jim frowned, they seemed even in every aspect.

"Aha!" He smiled wickedly; "_We _have arch-enemies!"

"What else is new? All expeditions do, the SG-1 has the Goa'uld, we have the Wraith..."

"Yes, but ours are really vicious, tyrannical..."

"What do they look like?" John cut in.

"They are humanoid, so they look similar to us."

"Well." John said, looking pleased with himself and rummaged around in the side pocket of his khakis. "This is Steve, one of our enemies who met an unfortunate end. _This_ is how the Wraith look like. Plus, they are life-sucking monsters, and have poor people skills..."

"Point" Kirk said again grumpily. "But why do you carry the picture with you?"

"Oh, that's to surprise Rodney at unsuspecting moments."

"Who's Rodney?"

"The science chief in Atlantis. Insufferable, infuriating in - We have some serious UST going on between us" he offered as an explanation.

"UST? I don't believe I've ever heard the term before..."

"Unresolved Sexual Tension"

"Oh _that_... me and my science officer used to have too, but we resolved it ages ago."

John looked around and then said in a low voice "How did you do it?"

"It took a long while before we realized we were an OTP: I nearly died and then _he_ nearly died, but got blinded instead. We fought to the death for a girl that none of us wanted anyway, and wham! We landed in bed."

"Point" John admitted grudgingly. And to think that he and Rodney found themselves in life-threatening situations in almost every other episode, er, mission...

Kirk gave him a superior smile, John's frown got deeper.

"But hey! You've got way nicer hair than I do. How do they stay like that all the time?"

John seemed to lighten up at that,

"Gravity-Defying Gel TM, some of the science geeks manufacture it for me... if Elizabeth knew where some of the funding is going..." he trailed off and smiled. It _was_ the truth: Kirk's hair had nothing on his own.

After a long time of rummaging inside the Galileo 7, Jim got the engine fixed and the turbines working. John, who was doing some weird dance with long sticks he called the 'Athosian fighting style', rushed to the ship.

"Is it working? How did you manage to do that?!"

Jim wiped the sweat off his forehead.

"I dismantled a chair and a couple of controls that had no purpose at all, well, except their decorative value, went around the planet's surface and retrieved several minerals and material that looked useful, added them all together, and ta da: the engine's fixed!"

"Are you for real?" John asked, squinting his eyes. But the noise of the turbines coming to life was unmistakable.

"What?"

"I said, ARE YOU FOR REAL?"

"Sorry," Kirk replied "I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am..." and went back inside the shuttlecraft.

_Point_ thought John and tried to stop his eyebrow from twitching.

Kirk stuck his head out of the door,

"Do you need a lift? I can take you back to TCOTEOF and back to your ship. Maybe you can work something out with the gate..."

"Really?" John asked and cracked an easy smile "Cool!" Kirk nodded and went back in, John following suit.

"And I can show you the 'jumper... Hey, can I pilot?"

_fin  
_

_Author's note: _The line "I can't hear you over the sound of how awsome I am" doesn't belong to me. It comes from one of the Star Trek Inspirational Posters.


End file.
